Illusions & Delusions

So, I guess I've been deluding myself for a long time, somewhere around a decade, about friendships. I guess that because my BFF, Yin to my Yang, closer-than-sister, Godmother to my children and I to hers, soulmate and I have maintained a long-distance (Indiana and Virginia) going-on-17-years friendship that other friends who are almost as dear to me would also remain my friends, despite time, distance, and grown-up lives.

There are a small number of people that, should they call and say "I need you," I would drop everything for and go to them. Until tonight, I would have thought it would be mutual, that they still cared that much, too, despite the time, distance, and grown-up lives.

So tonight I find out one of those people, one of the two my Mom, and I, have referred to as "the brothers of my heart," has been married since August and never even told me. I found out tonight because his wife contacted me out of the blue. So I spoke to the other "brother" only to find out that he knew, but didn't tell me.

Once upon a time, we three were inseperable. Or maybe I'm wrong and that's just how I remember it, a self-delusion. I still love them, and I don't say that about many people. I could count on one hand the number of people outside family that I would exchange an "I love you" with, and these were two of them. I guess their friendship with me faded in time, and I was too deluded to realize it.

Oh man it hurts. I feel stupid, and alone. I feel like a hot air balloon that's just had two anchor lines cut, and Earth is falling away. Why did I ever think that, just because *I* still cared the same way I did 14 years ago that *they* would still care as strongly? They've shut me out.

Now I can't help re-analyzing my memories and questioning whether or not they were real, or if I only imagined the closeness. Do I live in a fairytale of my own creation?

I don't think many people actually *like* me. They tolerate me or are entertained by me. When I was in therapy, my therapist asked me if I'd ever had any friends who *liked* *ME* and accepted me for who I really am, warts and all.  The answer seemed easy: Mary Morgan, Karey, John, Rik, and Chris.

What if I was wrong? What if that list is even shorter that I thought? What if I've lied to myself about those relationships? What if I've only imagined the closeness, or the acceptance? What if they only tolerated me, and I was too socially awkward to know it?

I know my social skills are lacking. I know there's some piece I seem to be missing, and I haven't managed to learn it even after being a counselor myself for over a decade.  I'm weird.  I'm awkward.  I don't "get" it. That, unfortunately, is just the way God made me. I'm an odd duck.

Maybe I was too dense to realize I wasn't really welcome after all, and I should have gone home. How often did I overstay my welcome?

When things are tough, I have frequently closed my eyes and, for a moment, returned to what I lovingly call, in my own mind, "Coors & Camels Nights."

I can feel the night breeze on the balcony, the rough wood under my hand, and hear the voices and laughter of the gents I called my friends. We philosophized for hours, until the sky lightened with the impending dawn. The world was ours, then; the future unwritten and pregnant with possibility. We ruled that future world. We shared our dreams. We were so close - or it seemed so to me.

What if I've imagined that closeness? What if my memories are a lie? What if my mental "escape" is just... well, "mental"?

What if I don't really have any real friends, I only think I do because I'm that deep in self-delusional activity? Scary...

Life seems different today than yesterday, but I guess nothing changed for anyone else. Just me. I feel like I lost two close relationships, but the only person who lost anything was me. Reality just crashed my fantasy.