Watching Ellie Sleep

I would not trade the beautiful, innocent perfection of this child for a world full of NeuroTypical children.

Family Christmas 2010

Ellie was amazing! We had 42 people in one house, and she didn’t have a single meltdown! In fact, she ran around with her cousins, sat in aunts’ and uncles’ laps, loved and snuggled everybody, and even sat down and ate (well, finger foods) at the kids’ table! Thank God for ABA! A few years ago I thought that holidays would never be like this. I prayed for this. It was only a few years ago that Christmas meant screaming, biting, and clawing. Now it’s love and laughter! Happy tears.

Wanted: A Home

Wanted: a home for a precious & beloved adolescent kitten - Itty. He was born, feral, in spring. Hubby spent all summer & fall taming him, & now he's as tame & loving as if he'd been hand-reared. He loves the kids, they love him, he uses the litterbox, he's fine w/our adult cat - but Obi isn't fine w/him. She growls & hisses at him constantly. I'll pay for neutering, & declawing if you want that. We just need him to have a good home where he can be loved & cherished.

UPDATE: Itty went to live with my Grammy!

Illusions & Delusions

So, I guess I've been deluding myself for a long time, somewhere around a decade, about friendships. I guess that because my BFF, Yin to my Yang, closer-than-sister, Godmother to my children and I to hers, soulmate and I have maintained a long-distance (Indiana and Virginia) going-on-17-years friendship that other friends who are almost as dear to me would also remain my friends, despite time, distance, and grown-up lives.

There are a small number of people that, should they call and say "I need you," I would drop everything for and go to them. Until tonight, I would have thought it would be mutual, that they still cared that much, too, despite the time, distance, and grown-up lives.

So tonight I find out one of those people, one of the two my Mom, and I, have referred to as "the brothers of my heart," has been married since August and never even told me. I found out tonight because his wife contacted me out of the blue. So I spoke to the other "brother" only to find out that he knew, but didn't tell me.

Once upon a time, we three were inseperable. Or maybe I'm wrong and that's just how I remember it, a self-delusion. I still love them, and I don't say that about many people. I could count on one hand the number of people outside family that I would exchange an "I love you" with, and these were two of them. I guess their friendship with me faded in time, and I was too deluded to realize it.

Oh man it hurts. I feel stupid, and alone. I feel like a hot air balloon that's just had two anchor lines cut, and Earth is falling away. Why did I ever think that, just because *I* still cared the same way I did 14 years ago that *they* would still care as strongly? They've shut me out.

Now I can't help re-analyzing my memories and questioning whether or not they were real, or if I only imagined the closeness. Do I live in a fairytale of my own creation?

I don't think many people actually *like* me. They tolerate me or are entertained by me. When I was in therapy, my therapist asked me if I'd ever had any friends who *liked* *ME* and accepted me for who I really am, warts and all.  The answer seemed easy: Mary Morgan, Karey, John, Rik, and Chris.

What if I was wrong? What if that list is even shorter that I thought? What if I've lied to myself about those relationships? What if I've only imagined the closeness, or the acceptance? What if they only tolerated me, and I was too socially awkward to know it?

I know my social skills are lacking. I know there's some piece I seem to be missing, and I haven't managed to learn it even after being a counselor myself for over a decade.  I'm weird.  I'm awkward.  I don't "get" it. That, unfortunately, is just the way God made me. I'm an odd duck.

Maybe I was too dense to realize I wasn't really welcome after all, and I should have gone home. How often did I overstay my welcome?

When things are tough, I have frequently closed my eyes and, for a moment, returned to what I lovingly call, in my own mind, "Coors & Camels Nights."

I can feel the night breeze on the balcony, the rough wood under my hand, and hear the voices and laughter of the gents I called my friends. We philosophized for hours, until the sky lightened with the impending dawn. The world was ours, then; the future unwritten and pregnant with possibility. We ruled that future world. We shared our dreams. We were so close - or it seemed so to me.

What if I've imagined that closeness? What if my memories are a lie? What if my mental "escape" is just... well, "mental"?

What if I don't really have any real friends, I only think I do because I'm that deep in self-delusional activity? Scary...

Life seems different today than yesterday, but I guess nothing changed for anyone else. Just me. I feel like I lost two close relationships, but the only person who lost anything was me. Reality just crashed my fantasy.

My Godchild!

Marty and Ellie have a newborn Godsister (my BFF's new daughter!) I showed them the picture. Marty was suitably impressed, and Ellie said "Aww!" SHE SAID "AWW!"

Paybacks

Marty is getting paid back for being Sissy's bugaboo. He's sick, she's finally well, and she won't leave HIM alone!

Ellie's Joke!

Ellie just tricked me! She laid in her bed and pretended to be asleep! She suddenly EXPLODED in a fit of giggles! She played a joke :-D

Marty's Computer Skills

How many 4-year-olds can logon a computer, start up his fave MMORPG, put in his password, and play his character intelligently (including successful combat and teleporting to friends)? Seriously! Marty's most constant invisible companion is a firecat (Wizard101).

Ellie! WOOT!

ELLIE IS SQUATTING & playing with toys!!! SQUATTING!!! Right now!

Naturally In Loooove

My son just held up two mini-beenie bears and says, "This is Mr. Bear and Mrs. Bear and they're naturally in loooove." I wish I could convey the inflection!

Over the Edge (Sears Tower)

I have stood 103 stories in the sky, with nothing between me & plunging to death below except a pane of glass beneath my feet. Sears Tower, over the edge.

Strange Utterings

"Son, please don't play with Sissy's Woody," has got to be one of the oddest sentences I've ever uttered (Marty had Ellie's "Woody" doll [Toy Story] and Ellie wasn't happy about it).

Who Let the Cows Out?

Marty's quote du jour: "Who let the cows out? Moo? Moo? Moo, moo, MOO!"

But She Sure Liked the Bone

OMG! Today I'm fielding questions I'm not prepared for! Marty asked me: "Mommy, why does my boy part sometimes have a bone in it, and sometimes not?" Dear God I wish Geoff was home!

The Elders

I have been trying, in vain, to reclaim my son from his great-grandma & great-grand-aunt since Monday! Those two 70+year-old ladies keep swapping him back & forth!

Lizard Speak

I'm cracking up over here. There's been one last cricket in Shaowie's tank, hiding and singing loudly, for two weeks. While we were cleaning her tank, she caught it. It made a very loud, satisfying CRUNCH! Marty turns to me and says, "That's lizard speak for YUMMY!"

Chicago, Day 2

Chicago, Day 2: both kids have colds, but we had a great day at Shedd Aquarium! Now back to the hotel to swim!

Chicago, Day 1

Chicago Day 1: great drive, no fussing, and swimming in the hotel pool!

ALL My Cheeks?

Tonight I had a What-Kind-of-Parent-Am-I? moment. I told Marty he has eczema bloom on all four cheeks. He says "ALL my cheeks? Oh damn! I better run faster!"

"EXTRA PETROLEUM!"

My son, watching Harry Potter 3, grabs his wand to cast the spell "expecto petronum" but instead says "EXTRA PETROLEUM!"

Silly Marty

My son just said "Grandma says I'm just like a bowl in a Chinese shop!" Something like that, son.