Rage Rollercoaster

So, last night I read this:

The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, the federal agency that oversees the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) and the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), recently conceded the first vaccine-autism case...one of the first three cases chosen that alleged Thimerosal in childhood vaccines significantly contributed to a child developing autism.

This concession shows the dishonesty of the continual media spin coming from public health officials and others who maintain there is no evidence that Thimerosal, or any other part of any vaccine, has ever caused autism or, for that matter, has harmed anyone in any way.

The facts are that the Vaccine Compensation Act has already compensated over 2,000 individuals who proved that they were harmed by vaccines, resulting in settlements of nearly two billion dollars.
Additionally, hundreds of peer-reviewed scientific/medical articles from some the world's best universities have long implicated Thimerosal in vaccines as a causal factor in neurodevelopmental disorders including autism.  Furthermore, in 2003, the U.S. House of Representatives' Government Reform Committee, after a 3.5- year investigation, concluded that Thimerosal caused the autism epidemic and that the FDA and health authorities were guilty of "institutional malfeasance" in covering it up.

After reading that, I was numb.  My first thought was, "Did I hurt my Ellie by trying to be a good mommy?"  After about 30 minutes of fighting off tears and feeling like the worst mother ever, I started to get angry.  Within the hour I was in a fine fettle.  I was looking for an attorney, because if THEY did this to my little girl, and THEY knew it, I was going to own them!!!  They were going to pay for every second of my baby's life, of my three years in therapy, of every disharmonious note in my marriage that has centered around this stress, for every physical/occupational/speech therapy session my Ellie has had to go through and will have to go through.  I was going to make them pay, and FIX IT!  If they caused it, and now admit it, then they should turn around and find the cure for it!  I wanted to hunt them down and inject them full of mercury, so they would know how it felt!

By this morning, it was a royal rage.  I was a lioness with a wounded cub, and my apex predator eyes fixed on the jackal who harmed her.  I had a target.  I had someone to blame.  I had someone I could aim my heretofore impotent rage at.

As soon as her pediatrician's office opened, I called them and requested her shot records from her previous doctor, especially the ones before she turned 2 years old, and I told the nurse why.  She looked up Ellie's records right away and called me back.

Ellie was never given Thimerosol.  She never had any vaccine with any type of mercury in it.  All of her vaccinations have been done with "preservative-free" vaccines.

I slowly deflated.  On the one hand, this is good, because it means that negligence did not cause her autism.  On the other hand, I no longer had an explanation.  It was good to have a night when there was someone I could blame, and a real wake-up call as to how much venom is in my soul over my baby girl's fate.

I'm back to where I was, with no one to shake my fist at except God, no one to scream "Why?" at except the unyielding sky.  No explanations, except:
That's Just The Way It Is