I'm watching Ellie play in the bath. We've finished her shower, she's all clean, and now she can just play for a bit. This is her favorite part, always has been. She loves water. It's amazing how someone so unstable on land can turn into an otter pup in a bathtub.
She's four weeks away from being 11 years old. She should be worrying about someone noticing her growing chest and trying to hide it...
Interruption, there. Ellie did a huge number two in the bathtub. And what does one do when one's almost 11 daughter does that in the bath? Why, scoop it out, if course. So I scooped out crap with one hand while trying to make her stop drinking the water with the other. I wish I could say this was a first. It IS the first one in a long while, but a long way from the first one ever.
This is my life, people. This is my life. Scooping crap out of a bathtub with my bare hands and trying to make the oblivious tween not drink the crappy water.
You have kids? Be grateful for them. Are they a pain in the butt? So what. Do you have to scoop crap with your bare hands? Do they drink water with crap floating in it? Then be grateful for them. Do they tell you when they need the bathroom? Then be grateful and happy when they tell you to go take a flying leap, too. At least they communicate. At least the crap YOU clean up after THEM is metaphorical!
Yeah, I'm angry. And envious. I'm not angry at Ellie, I'm angry at Fate. After everything I did to have this child, everything I went through while I carried her, and not one of you knows the whole story there... After everything I went through to deliver her, and everything SHE went through, and everything SHE goes through every day, and everything I go through every day - THIS! This is where we are! This is my reward!
All those little crack head teens popping out babies without a thought or desire, throwing them away or leaving them lay neglected, little perfectly fine, healthy babies without trying or caring or putting any desire or effort into having them or loving them or raising them, and HERE WE ARE. All those parents who push their kids off on other people because it's just too much work, too much effort, too much responsibility, abandoning and neglecting their perfectly fine, healthy, typical kids, and HERE WE ARE.
Yes, I'm angry. I'm angry and there's not a darn thing I can do about it. There's no target to aim for. There's nowhere to direct this impotent rage. I can shake my fist at the unfeeling sky all night, but this is Just The Way Things Are.
I'm envious. I hear some people whine about their kids wanting to do too many activities, or having to help with homework, or spending too much time on the phone, and I WISH I had those problems. REALLY? Your kid is too bright and outgoing? That must be such a burden!
I want what every parent wants: happy, healthy, well-adjusted kids. I WANT THAT! I want that, too. I want what I can never, ever, ever have.
Do you realize I can never have that? Do you realize that this is as good as it gets, for ever and always? Do you realize this is the rest of my life?
Sorry. I had to vent. I have to go disinfect a bathtub now.
