Circle!

Last night, Ellie gave me a very special gift. She brought me a ball, handed it to me, and proudly announced "Circle!" She then beamed from ear to ear and I praised her.

Return of Funky Cat

I wrote a post about Ellie's funky Halloween cat last year:

Month of the Cat http://elmgems.blogspot.com/2012/10/month-of-cat.html

Tonight we brought in the Halloween decorations. Funky Cat has returned!

Ellie and the Snake

Ellie was in the backyard leaning over the upside down pool and sticking her hand in the edge. I went over to see what she was doing, and she was trying to catch this!

I Want to be Little

I want to be little again. I want to sit in Mommy's lap and be held, and know I'm safe and the world is good. I want to know everything's going to be all right. I want to sit in Daddy's chair with him while he reads me the Sunday funnies. I want to be confident and secure again. I want all the bad things and hard things to be years and years away. I want to appreciate what I took for granted as a child. I want to be tucked in. I want to be hugged and loved. I want to be little and safe again.

She Never Failed

My hysterectomy is scheduled for August 23rd. Sweeney Todd auditions are on August 17-18th. The performances for Sweeney Todd are October 17-26th. The surgery is supposed to lay me up completely for 2-3 weeks, and be at least 6 weeks before I can drive. The performances are only 7.5-8 weeks after my surgery. Then there's the little problem of rehearsals - how would I get there? Would I feel up to it? Would I even be able to sing properly, since my abdomen will be sliced from one side to the other?

One more dream down the chute. There's just no way I could do the show, even if I did get to be Mrs. Lovett. I've wanted to be in Sweeney Todd since I was a little girl and saw it on PBS. Dammed doctors and their pissing contests! If I'd had surgery as scheduled, on July 12th, everything would have worked out fine!

I guess it's a relief, eh? Now I won't have to audition, and possibly fail. There's an old adage I've heard many times: "You can never succeed if you never try." Well, the flipside of that is "If you never try, you can never fail."

That's probably the motto of my life. I've always been afraid to put myself out there, even moreso as an adult. I'm afraid people will laugh at me. I want to hide. I feel like a walking joke, anyway.

They'll put it on my tombstone: "She never failed." And in tiny letters below: "(Because she never dared.)"

Bathtime Went Bad

I'm watching Ellie play in the bath. We've finished her shower, she's all clean, and now she can just play for a bit. This is her favorite part, always has been. She loves water. It's amazing how someone so unstable on land can turn into an otter pup in a bathtub.

She's four weeks away from being 11 years old. She should be worrying about someone noticing her growing chest and trying to hide it...

Interruption, there. Ellie did a huge number two in the bathtub. And what does one do when one's almost 11 daughter does that in the bath? Why, scoop it out, if course. So I scooped out crap with one hand while trying to make her stop drinking the water with the other. I wish I could say this was a first. It IS the first one in a long while, but a long way from the first one ever.

This is my life, people. This is my life. Scooping crap out of a bathtub with my bare hands and trying to make the oblivious tween not drink the crappy water.

You have kids? Be grateful for them. Are they a pain in the butt? So what. Do you have to scoop crap with your bare hands? Do they drink water with crap floating in it? Then be grateful for them. Do they tell you when they need the bathroom? Then be grateful and happy when they tell you to go take a flying leap, too. At least they communicate. At least the crap YOU clean up after THEM is metaphorical!

Yeah, I'm angry. And envious. I'm not angry at Ellie, I'm angry at Fate. After everything I did to have this child, everything I went through while I carried her, and not one of you knows the whole story there... After everything I went through to deliver her, and everything SHE went through, and everything SHE goes through every day, and everything I go through every day - THIS! This is where we are! This is my reward!

All those little crack head teens popping out babies without a thought or desire, throwing them away or leaving them lay neglected, little perfectly fine, healthy babies without trying or caring or putting any desire or effort into having them or loving them or raising them, and HERE WE ARE. All those parents who push their kids off on other people because it's just too much work, too much effort, too much responsibility, abandoning and neglecting their perfectly fine, healthy, typical kids, and HERE WE ARE.

Yes, I'm angry. I'm angry and there's not a darn thing I can do about it. There's no target to aim for. There's nowhere to direct this impotent rage. I can shake my fist at the unfeeling sky all night, but this is Just The Way Things Are.

I'm envious. I hear some people whine about their kids wanting to do too many activities, or having to help with homework, or spending too much time on the phone, and I WISH I had those problems. REALLY? Your kid is too bright and outgoing? That must be such a burden!

I want what every parent wants: happy, healthy, well-adjusted kids. I WANT THAT! I want that, too. I want what I can never, ever, ever have.

Do you realize I can never have that? Do you realize that this is as good as it gets, for ever and always? Do you realize this is the rest of my life?

Sorry. I had to vent. I have to go disinfect a bathtub now.

True Love

I thought I knew True Love before Ellie was born, but I was wrong. No one knows True Love until they look into the face of their child the first time. Everything shifts inside you, and a new parent is born.

It's something you can't really understand until you get there. I used to hate it when people said that to me, sure that I COULD understand, but then I learned the truth, and I don't feel that way anymore. It's something too big to explain with mere words.

When I was carrying Marty I worried that I could never love anyone else as much as Ellie, that I might short this boy inside me. I just couldn't fathom sharing my heart, because I love Ellie with my whole heart. But when I first set eyes on him, the most amazing thing happened - I grew another whole heart to love HIM with, too. Mommies grow enough hearts to love each of their children with every ounce of their being.

You'll understand when you get there.

"That Parent"

As I drove home today with Marty's class hamster, having somehow agreed to keep him for the summer, I realized that I was now "that parent." When did I become "that parent"?

"Mom" and "Dad," No More "-y"

Somewhere in the past couple of weeks, Geoff and I have become "Mom" and "Dad" instead of "Mommy" and "Daddy."

It's not just Marty, either - Ellie is also calling us "Mom" and "Dad" if it isn't in a phrase (like when she wants to go somewhere and says "Mommy's car").

They've both been testing out the new names for a couple of months now, getting the taste of them. Every so often they'd throw out a "Mom" and "Dad" and see what happened, maybe to see if we were offended.

Lately it had become more frequent, but in the last couple of weeks it became a constant.

Just one more sign that my babies are growing up. I didn't realize how much I would miss being "Mommy."

Family Movie Night, at the Movies!

Today we were very brave. For the first time, ever, we all four went to see a movie together! We went to see Iron Man 3, Ellie included.

It went great! Ellie watched the whole movie, never tried to get up, and no fussing even when it was LOUD. She LOVED the action scenes! She was perfectly content with her pop and popcorn.

Marty was of course enthralled by Iron Man on the big screen. He was awesome and shared popcorn with his big sister.

Altogether an amazing Family Movie Night!

Watching Her Sleep - Night Thoughts

I know better than to watch Ellie sleep.  It always leads to the "what if" and "if only" thoughts.  She is so beautiful.  Pale skin with a light dusting of golden freckles on her cheekbones, rose pink lips, dark lashes that go on for miles, and beneath those silken lids are her storm-blue eyes.  She is radiant.  She is ethereal.  She'll make your heart ache just to look at her, sleeping with that Mona Lisa smile.  She should have been everything she wanted to be.  She should have had the chance to rule the world.  She should have climbed mountains, or danced the fandango, or just painted her nails and gossiped with friends.  But here we are, with her trapped inside that beautiful prison, sometimes peering out the windows.  A million "whys" and zero answers.

Ellie is 10 years old.  I want to let her be a tween.  She wants to be a tween.  She wants the same rights and privileges afforded to her seven-year-old brother, but sometimes she just has no sense.  Marty goes to the fridge and gets what he wants.  He's allowed.  If it's something he can't open, he brings it to us and we open it.  Ellie goes to the fridge and we automatically tell her to close it (if it isn't locked - Marty has a bad habit of leaving it unlocked).  Well, I usually ask her what she wants, even though I know she isn't going to answer me.  There's this kernel of hope every time, though, that she'll reply.  So I keep asking.

Lately she's been bringing me things she wants opened, like the pickles (she loves pickles).  She comes running with the jar saying, "Pickles!  Pickles, pickles!"  I open the jar and hand her baby pickles until she's tired of them or the jar is empty.  I love that she can get the pickles and bring them to me to open.  I try to let her grow up.  I hate having to tell her no when she can communicate what she wants, like a pop at bedtime.  "Coke!  Coke!"  "No Coke, it's bedtime."  "Coke!  Coke!"  "Nope, bedtime."

Marty is talking in his sleep right now.  Something about a bird and a fence.

I hate that we lock the fridge.  It's easier than cleaning up the mess later when we find it, or having to throw out food because it was left out or the fridge door was left open.  But I still hate it.  I want to let Ellie be as responsible and mature as Ellie can be.  It's just so hard to step back and see what happens, especially when it goes wrong.  Like the sinks.

Ellie loves water.  Ellie absolutely loses her head over water.  This includes the sinks.  We have a lock on the kitchen sink, and the bathroom doors require a key to get in.  Ellie can make the biggest mess in the least amount of time imaginable when given access to a sink.  She ends up soaked from chin to knees, with collateral damage all over the floors, cabinets, and anything else nearby, in less than five minutes.  Whatever toy she has handy goes under the faucet, regardless of type.  Stuffed animal - great!  Those hold water so well, and she can suck on them after getting caught.  Remote control?  Sure!  She doesn't get that water will ruin it.  How could water do anything bad?  None of her toys handy?  Grab the dog's toys, soak them, and suck on them.  Oh yes, it happens.  In a heart beat.  SQUICK!

This is part of why she's still in diapers.  I think she would potty train, but she can't or won't consistently tell me when she needs to go.  So, theoretically, I should leave the bathroom unlocked for her to be able to go when she needs, in case she can't communicate right then and let me know.  But there's a sink in there.  Even better, there's a BATHTUB in there!  Oh yeah, fully clothed, shoes and all, in the bath.  It's happened more than once.  So the bathroom is locked, and Ellie is in diapers.  Sometimes she fibs and tells me "potty" but as soon as we get in the bathroom she says, "Bath!  Bath!" and "potty no."  "Bath" is her all-time favorite activity.  I need a water-closet with just a toilet!

Just like that it's 3am, and I need to sleep.  I just couldn't rest until I wrote a little, though.  Watching her sleep always pricks my heart.  I can't begin to express the immensity of my love for these two kids.  They don't make words big enough in any language to share the tiniest sliver of how much I love them.  They're why I live.

Proud Mama Geek

Marty is laying on the couch, in his underwear, one hand petting our cat, reading War of the Worlds. My geeky little Mommy heart is so proud!

Social Security, Third Time's the Charm, Right?

Here we go again.  Third try since 2005 to get Social Security Disability for Ellie.  It took me four hours to fill out all of the online forms.  FOUR HOURS.  I'm exhausted!

Rumble in the Flower Patch

Marty came home today bragging about his (one-sided) first fight.

Apparently three 2nd Graders have been entertaining themselves by tearing up a dandelion patch. Marty, the eco-warrior, took offense to this. He, Ashlyn, and Ryder (the shortest, roundest boy in Marty's class) banded together and told the bigger kids to stop, they were hurting nature. Ashlyn had a ball in her hands, which "Mr. Green Money" (the boy had on a shirt with money and the words "I should get paid to be this awesome") took and used to hit Ryder in the eye. Marty shielded Ashyln and the bigger boy used the ball to hit Marty in the stomach. He then punched Marty in the stomach twice. He grabbed Marty by the throat and choked him "really hard." Marty was very proud that he didn't cry.

At dismissal, the same boy grabbed Marty and said that he and his friends were going to "beat [Marty] up tomorrow at the corner."

I asked Marty if he fought back, and he said he didn't even think about hitting back. He was too surprised to be hit in the first place. We talked about fighting not being the answer, and I expressed how much more important he was than a dandelion patch. He said, "Picking nature is against school rules, and we have to defend the school rules." He is insistent that he must "defend nature," which apparently consists of as many 1st Graders as he can gather forming a human shield (i.e. punching bag) between the sacred yellow blossoms and the evil destructors from the 2nd Grade.

If he were hurt, I would be upset. Since he's not hurt, I can be tongue-in-cheek. This is the boy who didn't want to check out the wrestling club because "don't they know they could hurt each other?" He is also the same boy who separated two roughhousing Webelos twice his size because he thought they were fighting. And here he is, ready to sacrifice himself for a patch of dandelions.

My boy, my joy.  Looks like it's time for martial arts.

Musings

I can't sleep. My Muse is prodding me. She also wants wine coolers and cigarettes, of which I have neither. The stories want out, but I can't seem to give in. I'm fighting the urge, which has become increasingly rare. I don't know why.

Ellie AWESOMENESS

Marty has been pretending to be a cat tonight, "Angry Kitten," his alter-ego who can hiss his disapproval without getting in trouble for being disrespectful. Angry kitten was hissing about bedtime.

When I went across the hall to tuck Ellie in, she smiled at me, stretched, and made a lazy, drawn out "Mrrrowww." She was a cat! She was pretending! She wasn't copying - Marty was hissing and growling, not meowing. She was pretend-playing!

Also, I asked her if she wanted "Mommy stay, or Mommy out?" She answered, "Mommy in here." She didn't echo! She used independent words from her own personal vocabulary!

So awesome!

Ellie Talked to the Doctor!

Ellie talked to her orthopedist!

Dr. Bellflower looked her over and said, "Well, Ellie, I think we just need to cast you every so often for your own good! So let's get a cast on that foot."

Ellie said, "Boot? Boot, BOOT?!"

Dr. Bellflower did a double-take (he's known her since she was six months old) and said, "A boot would work just as well as a cast. We can do a boot. Which do you want, Ellie? A boot or a cast?"

Ellie answered very firmly, "A boot."

Dr. Bellflower grinned from ear to ear and said, "A boot it is! Thanks for talking to me, sweetheart."

Ellie looked up at him and gave him her sweetest grin.


She spoke, and he listened. Heaven!

Ellie (and Marty) & the Musical!

You're not going to believe this, but, tonight, I took Ellie to see a musical!

My local theatre is doing Xanadu this week, and opening night is tomorrow.  I've done over 60 plays and musicals since I was 14 years old, but I haven't done a single show since I got pregnant with Ellie 11 years ago.  It just happened that the director of this show and I "grew up" in the theatre together - we both started in the same musical in 1988.  He knew I've been wanting to get back into it, but I wasn't sure how Ellie would react (and the kids would have to be with me for rehearsals, etc).

Last week he asked if I wanted to give Ellie a test-run on a dress night.  I said sure, as long as it wasn't the night the reviewer would be there, just in case.  He texted me tonight and asked us to come for final dress because he wanted a mini-audience, and potential distractions, before tomorrow night.

So, Ellie, Marty, and I sat in the center of the front row, and SHE DID FANTASTIC!!!  We watched the whole 2.5 hours and NOT ONE SINGLE FUSS!!!  She loved it!  She clapped (without prompts), she laughed at funny stuff, she bounced in her chair, she DANCED when they invited the audience to dance - ON HER OWN, NO PROMPT!  She watched the whole show and was engaged the whole time (she even sang softly during a couple of the numbers - no words, just tone-matching like we did when she was a toddler, before she "went away").  She was so enthralled that SHE FORGOT TO DRINK HER COKE!!!  She never even tried to get up out of her seat.  She even peed in the bathroom during intermission!

I could not be prouder of her!  It was amazing.  It IS amazing!  This is fantastic.  This is awesome to tears.  I'm so proud!  I don't know what she'd do with a whole audience, and right now I don't even care.  I know how she did tonight, and it was beyond my wildest hopes.

Marty was just as awesome, but I expected him to be so.  He was such a good boy!  He paid attention, followed the plot, laughed at funny bits, clapped in the right places, and didn't interrupt by talking.  He got up and danced like a wildman when the audience was invited to join in!  After the show, one of the actresses gave him her glowstick that she used in the final number.  You would have thought she'd given him an emerald!

Tonight, I am the proudest Mommy there ever was.

Ellie Read Her Name!

Ellie read her name at school today!  GO ELLIE!

Daisy herded Marty!

Yay! Daisy herded Marty! She's becoming a real Corgi!

Ellie: "Do hamsters have mommies?"

Ellie was up all night last night and apparently was pondering some very deep things. At 3am she poked and prodded me awake just to ask,

"Do hamsters have mommies?"

I told her that yes, all living things have mommies. Then she wandered off again, satisfied.

Ellie: "I want to help you make toetig!"

The most amazing thing just happened!

I was getting Ellie out of the bath and she said, "Toetig!  Toetig!" (which is her word for the cinnnamon toast we make her).
"Okay, you want toast, I'll make you some."
"I want... I want..." (this in itself was unusual).
"Okay, I get it, you want toast.  I'll make you some toast."

She took a deep breath.

"I want to help you make toetig."

I WANT TO HELP YOU MAKE TOETIG!!!

A full sentence!  And not "toast," but "toetig"!  For French toast she says, "French toast."  This was not an echolalia!  This was not a memorized sentence!  TOETIG!

THIS WAS A FULL AND ORIGINAL SENTENCE!!!

And then she did.  She came in the kitchen with me and helped me make toast.  She pushed the button down on the toaster.  And I'm crying.

"I want to help you make toetig."  Possibly the most beautiful sentence I have ever heard.

Marty, Bobcat Cub Scout!

Marty earned his Bobcat Badge in Cub Scouts! To me he looks so mature in this pic.

Ellie loves Queen!

Ellie loves Bohemian Rhapsody! Who knew? I've lost count of how many times I've had to play it. Grandma Sherry said SHE knew Ellie liked Queen because they watched Highlander together when she was a toddler and Ellie loved the songs. Well, I didn't know!

Our Musical Life

My son is living a musical. I am a negligent parent and have never taken him to see a musical, but he is living one. He spontaneously bursts into song while speaking. Not a specific song, but he sings his words - just like a musical. This inspires me to reply in song, so now we're all living a musical. I think Geoff just feels trapped, and he only sings if he can make a pun out of it. Ellie loves it, even if she isn't singing - yet.

Marty's First Cub Scout Pinewood Derby

Marty's tank won 2nd Place for both speed and design in his first Cub Scout Pinewood Derby! Two trophies! He and Grandpa (who helped build the tank) are very proud!

ELLIE - WOW

ELLIE JUST SPOKE TO ME SO CLEARLY & COHERENTLY I THOUGHT SHE WAS MARTY!!!

I was in the bathroom & heard:

"Mommy? In the bathroom?"
"Yes."
"The light is out." (Our nightlight in the kitchen blew out.)
"I know, I'll get a bulb."
"Ok." (Happy sounds.)
"Ellie?!"
"Yes." (Giggles and feet running away.)

WOW!!!

Stolen New Years' Kiss

Happy New Year! The dog stole my New Years' Kiss! When Geoff leaned down to kiss me, she slurped him full on the face!