Circle!

Last night, Ellie gave me a very special gift. She brought me a ball, handed it to me, and proudly announced "Circle!" She then beamed from ear to ear and I praised her.

Return of Funky Cat

I wrote a post about Ellie's funky Halloween cat last year:

Month of the Cat http://elmgems.blogspot.com/2012/10/month-of-cat.html

Tonight we brought in the Halloween decorations. Funky Cat has returned!

Ellie and the Snake

Ellie was in the backyard leaning over the upside down pool and sticking her hand in the edge. I went over to see what she was doing, and she was trying to catch this!

I Want to be Little

I want to be little again. I want to sit in Mommy's lap and be held, and know I'm safe and the world is good. I want to know everything's going to be all right. I want to sit in Daddy's chair with him while he reads me the Sunday funnies. I want to be confident and secure again. I want all the bad things and hard things to be years and years away. I want to appreciate what I took for granted as a child. I want to be tucked in. I want to be hugged and loved. I want to be little and safe again.

She Never Failed

My hysterectomy is scheduled for August 23rd. Sweeney Todd auditions are on August 17-18th. The performances for Sweeney Todd are October 17-26th. The surgery is supposed to lay me up completely for 2-3 weeks, and be at least 6 weeks before I can drive. The performances are only 7.5-8 weeks after my surgery. Then there's the little problem of rehearsals - how would I get there? Would I feel up to it? Would I even be able to sing properly, since my abdomen will be sliced from one side to the other?

One more dream down the chute. There's just no way I could do the show, even if I did get to be Mrs. Lovett. I've wanted to be in Sweeney Todd since I was a little girl and saw it on PBS. Dammed doctors and their pissing contests! If I'd had surgery as scheduled, on July 12th, everything would have worked out fine!

I guess it's a relief, eh? Now I won't have to audition, and possibly fail. There's an old adage I've heard many times: "You can never succeed if you never try." Well, the flipside of that is "If you never try, you can never fail."

That's probably the motto of my life. I've always been afraid to put myself out there, even moreso as an adult. I'm afraid people will laugh at me. I want to hide. I feel like a walking joke, anyway.

They'll put it on my tombstone: "She never failed." And in tiny letters below: "(Because she never dared.)"

Bathtime Went Bad

I'm watching Ellie play in the bath. We've finished her shower, she's all clean, and now she can just play for a bit. This is her favorite part, always has been. She loves water. It's amazing how someone so unstable on land can turn into an otter pup in a bathtub.

She's four weeks away from being 11 years old. She should be worrying about someone noticing her growing chest and trying to hide it...

Interruption, there. Ellie did a huge number two in the bathtub. And what does one do when one's almost 11 daughter does that in the bath? Why, scoop it out, if course. So I scooped out crap with one hand while trying to make her stop drinking the water with the other. I wish I could say this was a first. It IS the first one in a long while, but a long way from the first one ever.

This is my life, people. This is my life. Scooping crap out of a bathtub with my bare hands and trying to make the oblivious tween not drink the crappy water.

You have kids? Be grateful for them. Are they a pain in the butt? So what. Do you have to scoop crap with your bare hands? Do they drink water with crap floating in it? Then be grateful for them. Do they tell you when they need the bathroom? Then be grateful and happy when they tell you to go take a flying leap, too. At least they communicate. At least the crap YOU clean up after THEM is metaphorical!

Yeah, I'm angry. And envious. I'm not angry at Ellie, I'm angry at Fate. After everything I did to have this child, everything I went through while I carried her, and not one of you knows the whole story there... After everything I went through to deliver her, and everything SHE went through, and everything SHE goes through every day, and everything I go through every day - THIS! This is where we are! This is my reward!

All those little crack head teens popping out babies without a thought or desire, throwing them away or leaving them lay neglected, little perfectly fine, healthy babies without trying or caring or putting any desire or effort into having them or loving them or raising them, and HERE WE ARE. All those parents who push their kids off on other people because it's just too much work, too much effort, too much responsibility, abandoning and neglecting their perfectly fine, healthy, typical kids, and HERE WE ARE.

Yes, I'm angry. I'm angry and there's not a darn thing I can do about it. There's no target to aim for. There's nowhere to direct this impotent rage. I can shake my fist at the unfeeling sky all night, but this is Just The Way Things Are.

I'm envious. I hear some people whine about their kids wanting to do too many activities, or having to help with homework, or spending too much time on the phone, and I WISH I had those problems. REALLY? Your kid is too bright and outgoing? That must be such a burden!

I want what every parent wants: happy, healthy, well-adjusted kids. I WANT THAT! I want that, too. I want what I can never, ever, ever have.

Do you realize I can never have that? Do you realize that this is as good as it gets, for ever and always? Do you realize this is the rest of my life?

Sorry. I had to vent. I have to go disinfect a bathtub now.

True Love

I thought I knew True Love before Ellie was born, but I was wrong. No one knows True Love until they look into the face of their child the first time. Everything shifts inside you, and a new parent is born.

It's something you can't really understand until you get there. I used to hate it when people said that to me, sure that I COULD understand, but then I learned the truth, and I don't feel that way anymore. It's something too big to explain with mere words.

When I was carrying Marty I worried that I could never love anyone else as much as Ellie, that I might short this boy inside me. I just couldn't fathom sharing my heart, because I love Ellie with my whole heart. But when I first set eyes on him, the most amazing thing happened - I grew another whole heart to love HIM with, too. Mommies grow enough hearts to love each of their children with every ounce of their being.

You'll understand when you get there.